Am I a Bad Mother to My Daughter?

Mothers love their sons and daughters, it’s given. Whatever circumstances a mother is in, her love for her children would never tarnish nor disappear. May they be living or estranged with their husbands.

It is in my system too, I am not a narcissistic mother who prioritized her needs over her children. Although I admit I am a bit vain when it comes to grooming and self-maintenance, but I take care of my kids' welfare too. All these self-justification is in my mind and making its own validation to all the guilt and scruples I feel inside nowadays when I first felt that my daughter is not responding to the love and care I am giving her.

Before whenever there’s a resistance or indifference, either from other people or from a situation, I would throw the blame and would trace back the reason behind to the problems I encountered in my childhood. I would recall back to life the memory of how malnourished I was in terms of love and care and family support especially from maternal side. How I grew up pounding my chest so my heart would continue to beat and would not surrender to grief and pain. Or how I would unceasingly convince myself so my brain would not succumb to defeat or terror I faced each day.  All these negative feelings, circumstances, and depressing endings have their roots, and that is my very poor family background.  I was complacent then that I could just toss it all to that past, and then leave the matter to rot or to disappear by itself.

But lately I never felt so terrorized by fear that I am not being loved, that the love I am giving is not reciprocated neither welcomed. And that the daughter I have unconditionally loved, selflessly cared for and nourished is not reciprocal. She is deadpan and distant. I thought loving her and taking care of her to the point of spoiling her could make our bond strong enough to outlast the troubles in life, and that my memories of being her mother could make it through difficult times of separation. But I was wrong; she’s disdainfully cold and dull.  

I realized being separated from her and choosing her destiny to be with her father was not a good option after all. I thought I have chosen the best thing for her. I thought her welfare is the most important of all. I put myself at the back seat and let her fate be on the front row so she would have a good life, but now that I am losing her, I have second thoughts if I did the right thing to do.

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Comments (5)

  1. PRAVUIL

    You take care of the kids welfear ?
    So then, is it that they feel like they are living on the dole
    How much do you get amongst their lives
    Down to their level
    Eye to eye level

    March 23, 2012
  2. ICARUSTIC

    Based on my interpretation of what you said, then it seems you sent your daughter to live with her father (presumably an ex) because it would be better for her welfare. Its not really relevant why you reached that decision, the problem now is the consequences.

    What is not clear is if your daughter was in agreement about it or not. What does seem clear is that she is resentful for being rejected (in her view) and also exposed to the influence of somebody who probably has a few things against you.

    I had a similar situation with my two children, except in my case it was I who left for the reason we had started using the kids in the war between us. Because I was tehn living too far away for regular visits it was ruled that contact should be by writing. Problem was that my ex never passed things onto the kids and poisoned them against me. Result my daughter refuses all contact with me and she’s now over 40.

    It seems to me that you need to try and explain in more detail to your daughter why you made the choice so that she really understands it was for her welfare. In particular that you were not rejecting her, you loved her then and you love her now. In short you need to woo her. If you did if for her welfare, then you are a good mother. Being a good mother unfortunately means the price can be very high, as you are discovering.

    March 23, 2012
    1. tellierific

      Thanks for dropping your comment. I gave away my daughter to her father at the age of four so I could work full time and for the fear of my health. It is just two of the many reasons, but the main reason is there is no one I could trust or can depend on to take care of my daughter while I’m away or if something happens to me. If I would give her away to her father she would have a comfortable life and with the many relatives of her father it would be sure that she would be showered with love. With regards to explaining to her my situation, I did it many times, and now that she is 13 years old I know she understands it better. But I think you right when you said her mind is poisoned so she’s leaning toward her father and leaving me out of her concern.

      April 24, 2012
  3. SteamPunk

    Maybe she got a little bit older and simply wanted to be less attached? Girls can be like that before boys – they grow out of needing that closeness a bit sooner. I don’t know how old she is but if she’s close to her teens or older, it’s probably that and she’ll get back to wanting you around later.

    March 23, 2012
    1. tellierific

      Thanks for a little push to believe that it would be better in the end. All I want is to be recognized by my daughter, I already drop the “wanting to be loved,” a little respect is enough.

      April 24, 2012