Mothers love their sons and daughters, it’s given. Whatever circumstances a mother is in, her love for her children would never tarnish nor disappear. May they be living or estranged with their husbands.
It is in my system too, I am not a narcissistic mother who prioritized her needs over her children. Although I admit I am a bit vain when it comes to grooming and self-maintenance, but I take care of my kids' welfare too. All these self-justification is in my mind and making its own validation to all the guilt and scruples I feel inside nowadays when I first felt that my daughter is not responding to the love and care I am giving her.
Before whenever there’s a resistance or indifference, either from other people or from a situation, I would throw the blame and would trace back the reason behind to the problems I encountered in my childhood. I would recall back to life the memory of how malnourished I was in terms of love and care and family support especially from maternal side. How I grew up pounding my chest so my heart would continue to beat and would not surrender to grief and pain. Or how I would unceasingly convince myself so my brain would not succumb to defeat or terror I faced each day. All these negative feelings, circumstances, and depressing endings have their roots, and that is my very poor family background. I was complacent then that I could just toss it all to that past, and then leave the matter to rot or to disappear by itself.
But lately I never felt so terrorized by fear that I am not being loved, that the love I am giving is not reciprocated neither welcomed. And that the daughter I have unconditionally loved, selflessly cared for and nourished is not reciprocal. She is deadpan and distant. I thought loving her and taking care of her to the point of spoiling her could make our bond strong enough to outlast the troubles in life, and that my memories of being her mother could make it through difficult times of separation. But I was wrong; she’s disdainfully cold and dull.
I realized being separated from her and choosing her destiny to be with her father was not a good option after all. I thought I have chosen the best thing for her. I thought her welfare is the most important of all. I put myself at the back seat and let her fate be on the front row so she would have a good life, but now that I am losing her, I have second thoughts if I did the right thing to do.